Hannibal's War
by Gaon
Summary: A day in the life of Hannibal Chau is much like the man himself: Ridiculous, bombastic and deadly in equal measures. Now, when hunted by crazy Kaiju cultists, can our gallant conman prevail?


Hannibal's War.

"We are standing now under the corpse of one of the feared Kaiju." Said a news reporter to the camera, as the wind blew her hair away. She pointed to a truly massive carcass of a titanic monster, full of bullet holes and fire wounds: That thing did not go gently. "The military are yet to provide an official name for the creature, but experts believe this may be a class 4 Kaiju, one of the most-"

"GREETINGS!" Hannibal Chau shoved her out of the way with a wide grin in his mouth full of golden teeth "I am Hannibal Chau, the one, the best, and the only! It is my faithful duty to inform attentive viewers that our goal is to provide you with the best and safest Kaiju parts in the markets! Tell your friends, tell your family, and don't forget to buy the Kaiju ration for your pet of choice! Only 102$ each pack." He announced with showmanship to the cameramen. The reporter, fallen on the ground, gestured for the cameraman to kill the call.

"And behind me, attentive viewers!" Chau pulled out his knife and gestured to the cameraman, still smiling as he spoke, terrifying the man into obedience. "We have our newest product! Behind me lies the titan of titans, the..." Chau gazed his palm for a second, trying to read something "Flagship...Hard clip...Hardship! Don't let the name spook you, attentive viewers! we can assure you, this Hardship will be quite the contrary of a Hardship! Instead, it will ease your life! Including, but not limited to: Schizophrenia, Heart attacks, diabetes, marriage, demonic possession, suicide, death and last but not least, broken toes." Hannibal spent two seconds recovering his breath before continuing, still smiling "Be the first to call and get an exclusive Kaiju toy! The kids will love it!"

Then he gestured for the camera to kill the line, and so the poor man did. He then turned to the news reporter, "Sorry lady. But a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do." He said calmly, storing his knife back into his coat. Then he helped her stand up.

Chau whistled, and an entire battalion of men in cloaks and gloves came to his call, bringing with them all sort of equipments: drills, blades, knives, scalpels, flamethrowers, among others. "I want every single piece of flesh this Kaiju has."

"Even the crap, sir?"

"ESPECIALLY the crap!"

"Pack everything up and put on the train." Hannibal smiled and gazed at his work. Easy job, big rewards, a life of luxury and showmanship. This was a good time to be alive.

…

"Brothers, this is a terrible time to be alive!" Shouted the High Kaiju Priest, in his long dark red robes colored with kanji of varied meanings, "This is the time where the false prophets, the Jaegars, come to destroy the Kaiju gods!" His loud voice echoed through the titanic Kaiju Church, decorated with bones of fallen Kaiju, like a relic from dead warriors.

His audience numbered in the hundreds, and their gasps of horror were heard all over the cathedral.

"And even worse, MY MOST GENEROUS BROTHERS! There is The Defiler Of Bodies, Hannibal Chau! This heretic of the new world, hellbent to desecrate and blasphemy the bodies of our gods! Will we allow this man TO STAND UNMATCHED? WILL WE ALLOW HIM TO MAKE PROFIT ON OUR BELIEF?"

The crowd shouted no In unison.

"Take up arms, Brothers!" He said as his assistants delivered rifles and machetes to all men present. "FIGHT this heathen! CLEANSE and UNBURDEN this world of his madness! IT IS OUR TASK, IT IS...OUR MOST FAITHFUL DUTY! ATTENTIVE BROTHERS!" He gestured wildly with his thick eyebrows and bony fingers. "TAKE. UP. ARMS!" He shouted at last.

His faithful servants answered with a roar of defiance.

Only one goal in their mind: To stop Hannibal Chau.

…

A hard day's work passed for Hannibal Chau. Or more specifically, for his men, for he just sat and drank whiskey while watching the work and picturing all the money that would flow to his accounts within a few hours. The massive iron crates, filled to the brim with Kaiju parts, were all stored in the "Chau Express", as Hannibal liked to call the iron monstrosity of many wagons that crossed the country.

The men went aboard, and the engines started, the Chau Express was working at full power.

With the Devil's speed, Chau Express left the city behind, cutting through forests and swamps, reaching mountaintops and bridges, as the long journey of the Kaiju organs proceeded. Hannibal just looked through the window, wondering how those hills would look covered in Kaiju poop, from the windows of his own particular wagon.

"Glorious." He concluded to himself, "Absolutely Glorious!"

His men, meanwhile, rested in their wagon. They were underpaid and underfed, but they knew that working for Chau was their best chance in this crazy, Godzilla lookalikes-filled world. Most of the men just sat around, playing poker and sharing a flask of whiskey amongst themselves.

"Damn right baby!" Announced Tendo Choi, noticing he just won this round of poker. "Show me the money!"

"That reference is older than me." One of the men scoffed. "Quite honestly, I don't understand why you work with Hannibal. You could do a lot more." He said.

Tendo completely ignored the man. "Stop whining and put the money on the table!"

A gambling day would be quite interesting, but what happened then was, perhaps, even more interesting. One of the men in the table arose from his seat, and lifting his sleeve, showed a distinct symbol: The symbol of the Kaiju Church. With that movement, most of the workforce got up and pulled out weapons, pointing them to the handful of non-loyal men present in there, chief amongst them Tendo Choi.

Choi angrily punched the table "What the Hell are you guys doing? You're all so dead for this."

"SILENCE." Called out a voice in the crowd, taking off his cloak to reveal the face of the High Kaiju Priest. "You do not have THE RIGHT to speak in our Coven! Only the Holy Brothers Of the Sacred Kaiju Light may speak!"

"Alright. You need some meds." He said, before being smacked in the face with the but of a rifle and cuffed alongside the few non-kaiju-cultists in that wagon.

The High Kaiju Priest took out his ceremonial robe out of a briefcase, and dressed himself with it, including a ridiculous piece of headgear that no one in a millennium would find fashionable. "Now, my friends, our time is nigh! The train conductor has sworn allegiance to our cause, and soon, this madman Chau will face the cold breath of justice!"

His brothers cheered, raising their rifles in pride.

"I frankly hope this is a dream. If it is not, it should be." Choi commented, cuffed to an iron pipe of the wall. "Nothing in real life should be this ridiculous."

…

Five of the dark-clad-troops of The High Priest walked through the wagons undaunted, guns at hand, crossing each and every wagon disgusted by the Kaiju parts everywhere, disgusted by the defilement of their gods brought upon by Hannibal Chau. Their hatred increased as they approached his private wagon.

One of them kicked the door wide open, pointing his gun to whatever was inside, as his comrades proceeded to rush into the room.

"Oh what the Hell." Said a relaxed-looking Hannibal Chau as he was rudely interrupted from his PS 12 GOTY edition "Kaiju Smackdown IV: Jaegar Wrath" online match. He did not enjoy being interrupted in his Kaiju Smackdown MATCH, specially when he was totally owning the damn match as teenagers shouted obscenities at him. "What do you want?" He asked indignantly, not giving a damn about the man's weapon.

"Your death!"

Hannibal sighed. "You guys have no creativity! At least find a unique way of stating your goals for the love of Christ." He complained as he approached the leader.

The Kaiju Believers stared at him dumbfounded, wondering if Hannibal understood the full extent of the situation.

"Anyway." Hannibal said, headbutting the man into submission. Two others pointed their rifles at him and fired, but he simply stepped out of the way and they mostly murdered themselves. One kick and the other was flying through the window to his impending death, with one flick of his wrist he launched his knife into the final believer's throat.

"Who the flying Hell are you?" Hannibal asked as the man fell to the floor, blood gushing out of his mouth.

The man struggled with his final words. "We are the Kaiju Church, and there will be many more..." Then he expired. Kaijuing ain't easy.

Hannibal picked off his knife from his corpse and cleaned it on his sleeves, "You goddamned morons." He sighed and left the wagon. But then he heard the sound of the marching troops, looking for him, approaching his location. "Oh Crap." He said.

Chau quickly found a ladder, and proceeded to the top of the wagon, where Hannibal thought he'd be safe.

"Ah!" The High Priest laughed with himself, "Foolish Hannibal! You do not know that you cannot escape the holy eye of fate! I expected you to come this way!" The High Priest's eyebrows gestured wildly as a storm on the pacific. "AND This IS WHERE YOUR TRIP ENDS!"

Hannibal was wrong, evidently. "God Damn it." He said.

Chau once more grabbed his butterfly knife, and waved around in a threatening gesture to the High Priest.

The High Priest, in his arrogance, waved his ceremonial staff with great skill.

The midday sun shined above these men, as they stared deep into each others eyes. As they both did the hammiest stares they could conjure up. A moment where both men analyzed each other, and wondered if the fight could not be adverted by one of them surrendering. But alas, it was not to be, for both of them were determined to win.

Hannibal and the Priest charged towards each other, the red robes clashing with the red coat, the staff only barely missing Hannibal's head, the butterfly knife tearing through the fabric of the Priest, as the high-speed wind forced both men to the full extent of their musculature.

Chau headbutted the Priest, who was briefly knocked back. One second later, the Priest headbutted Hannibal back, and Chau fell to the ground, briefly seeing stars. "I was in the Royal Navy for twenty years, Heathen! Your Pagan skull cannot withstand my holy MIGHT!" he waved his staff and did a "bring it" gesture with his hand, a cocky smile on his face.

"But can your holy might withstand the tunnel?" Hannibal smiled while lying on the floor.

The Priest immediately turned around but, alas, there was no tunnel. Chau quickly sweeped him off his feet, and the Priest's face was knocked onto the cold, hard roof of the iron wagon.

Hannibal was ready to kill the Priest, when he heard the noise of reinforcements coming to their master's aid. He ran to the wagon before the one the Priest was standing, and through one of the roof windows, seeing the men in the wagon below searching for the High Priest desperately.

With one kick of his iron shoe, Hannibal broke off the window, and dropped from the wagon top directly onto a man's head. Before any reaction could be taken, Chau kicked one of the iron crates wide open: It was Kaiju poop, known for its combustive gas.

He ran as fast as he can for the next wagon, when one of the believers fired a single shot from his rifle. Fire consumed the wagon, and a violent explosion launched debris everywhere, narrowly missing Hannibal but completely annihilating the wagon.

All the trains before that particular wagon were now unconnected to the main train, and Hannibal could only watch as the wagons of his precious Kaiju parts were left behind. Hannibal would cry at such monetary loss, but he had no tears to shed for he was Hannibal Chau.

"I am going to sue the shit out of you all for this!" He shouted to the nothing. "You bunch of religious bastards!"

Back to the train top he went, to face the Priest, now filled with righteous vengeance over his lost money. "Come at me, Priest! TASTE THE CHAU!" He taunted to the Priest as the train passed a bridge with a river below, just to the side of a megalopolis.

The High Priest waved his staff and narrowed his eyes, he grabbed a communicator and announced "Conductor! There has been A CHANGE on THE PLANS. I will now CRASH THIS TRAIN..."

Chau raised his eyebrow, seeing the familiarity of that phrase.

"...WITH NO SURVIVORS." The High Priest completed.

Now the almighty High Priest was reduced to quoting movies. Clearly, Hannibal had pissed the man off.

The conductor obeyed faithfully, and pulled all of the tracks, leaving the train going at maximum speed, out of control, to its doom.

The fight would proceed, when upon a sudden, both of them stood still at the sound of a mighty roar that shook the steel and iron of the Chau Express. Their hears stopped, and they gazed to the left, and from the river emerged a tail, with three pincers at the end, and attached to that tail a massive dinosaur-like being, with two horns in his head, and hues of green red and black. The creature stared at the train as it passed and roared at Chau and The Priest: A Kaiju.

"BEHOLD, MR. CHAU, THE GOD OF WHICH I SPEAK! THE HARBINGER OF SIN: MEATHEAD! SUMMONED HERE BY MY FAITH ALONE!" The High Priest laughed like a maniac, uninterrupted as the entire scene proceeded. "YOUR DOOM IS AT HAND!"

"My luck can't be this bad." Hannibal commented.

On the other side of the river, a mechanical sound crossed Hannibal's ears, as a golden mechanical being emerged from the waters, titanic and mighty it stood alone, taller than the Kaiju even, a protuberant chest piece and two cannons on its shoulders: A Jaegar.

The Priest stopped laughing, and Hannibal and the Priest both stared at each other, wondering what the flying fuck was going on here, as this entire mess of events was becoming remarkably confusing. "Frankly I have no clue." Concluded the Priest.

"Me neither." Said Hannibal, shrugging.

Meathead charged at the Jaegar, destroying the bridge, devastating the Chau Express in a thousand pieces, wagons were torn apart and launched everywhere, and the wagon in which Hannibal and the Priest found themselves was catapulted thousands of feet up in the air, Hannibal and the Priest still atop it: The Priest laughed like a madman again, while Hannibal just said two words: "Oh...Crap."

The sole surviving wagon started to fall from its cloud-high altitude. And as the fall took place, The Priest and Hannibal tackled each other furiously, struggling all over the roof in a mighty contest of strength and might.

Meanwhile, miles below, in one of the city's tallest and most well-respected beings, in one of its floors gentlemen of the high class drank and ate in one of those fancy dinners, surrounded by waiters and foods of exotic kinds, seemingly not caring about the recent Kaiju attacks.

"Is that a wagon falling out of the sky?" One of them noted, looking above through the extensive glass of the floor.

Indeed. It was. The wagon was falling past the floor when Chau and the Priest crashed through the window, escaping the falling death.

They rolled around and Chau threw the Priest on a table, completely smashing it to bits. The Priest was out of action.

"Gentlemen!" Chau arose from the ground, exhausted, "I sincerely apologize for this most rude entrance, but I would like to tell you that you are missing a great opportunity by not mixing the Kaiju kidney on all this food. Buy now, while it's still fresh!" He barely had energy to do his pitch, but he still did. Such was Hannibal Chau.

"DO NOT LISTEN TO HIS LIES!" The Priest emerged from the broken table, wielding the two pieces of his now broken staff in his two hands, "THIS MAN IS A SINNER, AND HE WILL DIE LIKE ONE!" Despite his shouting tone, it was obvious both men were completely exhausted by this point.

Meanwhile, just outside the building, the Jaegar and the Kaiju fought with teeth and nail across the city blocks, and anyone in the building could get a privileged view of the entire battle.

The Priest dropped his broken cane, and Hannibal couldn't find his knife. So Hannibal assumed a boxing stance, while the Priest assumed a Karate one. The Priest's kicks were fast as lightning as they sliced through the air, hitting Hannibal in the face repeatedly, knocking off some of his teeth.

"Give up now and accept the Kaiju as your LORD AND SAVIOR!"

Hannibal smiled as blood ran off his mouth, "I will just replace them with gold, you goddamn moron." Without warning, he punched the Priest so hard he was sent flying backwards and crashing into another table, the Priest quickly arose. And went back into the fray, but Chau was now on the offensive: Punches flew everywhere, the Priest blocking them using all of his martial skill, always a hair's breath away of tasting the FIST OF CHAU.

Hannibal grabbed the Priest's shoulders, and the Priest did the same, and a double headbutt ensued.

Both men wandered a bit hazy, of the hit, but the doom was at hand for the High Priest: Hannibal's head was far harder, and he recovered more quickly. Chau followed up with a devastating sequence of punches, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, left, left, right, right, right, left, and one final right that knocked him off his feet.

Still, the Priest stood, nose and mouth bleeding, barely awake.

But their attention was diverged to the outside, where the Jaegar punched the Kaiju with such strength he was sent flying across some five city blocks, and in his fall he crashed exactly into the building Chau and the Priest stood. The hit was so strong, the floor started to tip over, knocking all of his residents to a plummeting death. Hannibal and the Priest both went on a slide over the tipping floor, but Chau pulled out his butterfly knife and, piercing the floor, held himself n place.

The Priest grabbed his shoe, the only thing standing between him and Meathead's gaping maw.

"You have not seen the LAST OF THE CULTISTS, CHAU! I WILL ONE DAY BE THE END OF YOU!" He shouted. "I AM ONE WITH THE KAIJU!"

Hannibal promptly said "Then what are you waiting for? Be one with them." He kicked the Priest in the face, and he was sent to his death on the maws of Meathead.

In his final moments, the Priest screamed "I WILL GET YOU ONE DAY, HANNIBAL CHAU!" and there he went, down Meathead's throat.

Meathead was about to recover, when the massive metallic hand of the Jaegar crushed his skull, and Meathead collapsed dead upon the city streets.

"You bastard!" Hannibal shouted. "That skull could have been worth more than your entire metal carcass put together! I will sue all of you for this!" He said. "ALL OF YOU!"

Later that day, Hannibal Chau got down from the building, rescued by the Defense Force.

As the medics looked at him, a familiar figure approached him: It was Choi.

"How did you even survive?" Asked Chau entirely baffled by Choi's existance after the massive derailment.

"I quit this goddamn job." Choi said in rage, "I've been attacked by crazy cultists this entire goddamn afternoon, and a Kaiju threw my wagon all over this goddamn city! I am sick of this. It's time I do something more productive with my life!"

Hannibal had no stamina or patience to argue with this man, for he had just fought a schizophrenic Priest on a falling wagon with a Kaiju raging nearby. No one would have patience after that.

Choi simply walked away, and Hannibal stood, being analyzed by the doctors.

But the deepest wound was at his wallet, he was left wondering how much time it would take to recover from all the losses of that day, the Kaiju parts, his men, the Chau Express, all gone. Even his precious Kaiju Smackdown game. Even the game. Such is fate.

"Mr. Chau." A British-accented deep voice came from behind. "I am here to talk with you about the Jaegar Program." The man stepped into the light, revealing himself to be Stacker Pentercost. "We think you can help us obtain some specific items."

"Very well." Hannibal saw an opportunity to make up for his losses in the man's words, some luck at long last. "But you play triple. And by the kilo. In cash." Hannibal imposed, tired of the madness of one single day.

"Fair enough." Pentercost shook his hand, in a display of friendship.

There would be other days for Hannibal, other parts to collect, other Kaiju to sell, other wars to wage. But this day he would always remember, the day where he lost everything, yet gained everything. This would be forever the day of Hannibal's War.


End file.
